My Story.
Over 70 million people in the world suffer from an eating disorder. That means there are 70 million family’s directly impacted by this epidemic. I would like to acknowledge family’s at this point, because they bare the worry of watching their loved one binge, starve or purge their way into a very controlled, very depressive state.
If you don’t know a friend or a relative with an eating disorder, you would be the lucky one. We are masters of hiding and when we are found out, the very thing we are trying to hide – our body issues and anxiety – are in the spotlight…and into the depths of depression we dive.
Now I suffer an eating disorder. I am a binge eater…and the worse kind.
For decades I have binged, my binging is way past the point of feeling full.
I eat until I feel sick and while I spend the next few hours feeling miserable and hating myself, the first sign of relief I get from that sick feeling…I chomp my way back into the ‘feeling sick’ zone again and again and again.
As a binge eater, I have made so many promises to myself, million’s of them and they have all been broken.
You don’t enjoy your day to day, you live for tomorrow…and I know you hear me as I say this…’I will cut down tomorrow I promise, I will be better tomorrow.’ Tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow, as we all know, never comes.
Now my preferred binge banquet starts usually in the fridge with ice cream. I don’t even spoon it out of the tub into a bowl anymore, that’s for amateurs, I spoon straight out of the container ’til I feel sick…and the little amount I can’t force down…there is a hammer belting way in the back of my head…Eat me, eat me, eat me..
So the minute I feel the slightest bit of relief from the binge, even if just an hour later, I head back to the freezer and finish the tub. The best part is that the empty ice cream container goes straight into the bin, so I don’t have to see it anymore. So for me, guess what? In my mind it didn’t happen!
Ice cream, chocolate, potato chips, savoury biscuits, lollies, these are my weapons of mass destruction. I have food stashed everywhere and I go into a panic if I can’t find a chocolate bar I thought I had stashed!
Empty wrappers and containers are well hidden from my partner, and when he goes out or is asleep, I make a mad mercy dash and get them in the bin. He is none the wiser. The only thing he see’s is my gut getting bigger and my butt spreading further.
Now I feel the self hate, the guilt, the depression, the disgust and I ‘wear’ that on my body in 2 ways. I gain weight and I self harm.
You see, I am not only wrapped up in a mad world of binge eating…I am also an accomplished ‘Self Harmer’…and when I have cut my way to real throbbing, mind numbing pain, the only way to soothe that ache is to reward myself with some comfort food…and so the ice cream binge eating starts all over again.
Today, as I write this article, I am very proud to say that there is no ice cream in my fridge, no chocolate, no potato chips, no savoury biscuits and I am about sixteen days off the binge eating merry-go-round!
The minute I started to share my story with you, I found myself caring less and less about the binge and more and more about reaching out with my story and my struggles, to let you know I understand and I see you.
Be kind to yourself,
Love Big Fat Dee
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